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Vicki personally answers any questions you may have about the swinging lifestyle. Vicki has been married to the same guy, Michael for the last 32 years. They have been in the swinging lifestyle for more than 25 years. Together they travel to swing conventions, swing clubs, and resorts like Hedonism II. Vicki writes stories about our adventures for ďSwinger ScoreboardĒ magazine and ďOver 50Ē magazine. She also has her own amateur web site Alice in Swingland
Do you have questions about the swinging lifestyle that you canít ask your friends and neighbors? E-mail your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org Iíve been in the lifestyle for any years and I would be glad to share my experiences with you.
Could you suggest a way to find a female for a 3-some, outside the party scene? We are hoping you can help.
J & S
Dear J & S,
Iím sure you are aware that getting involved in a threesome with another female is very difficult for couples or you would not be asking the question.
Since we are around swingers and girls with adult web sites all the time we do find women who want to be in threesomes. They are usually single. The reason it happens for us is that we are open about our lifestyle. What I mean is that we can be into a conversation 5 minutes and they already know about our lifestyle. That makes it easy for them to respond if they are interested. Not everyone feels comfortable with that.
We go to swing parties at least every weekend. So we are constantly around sexually uninhibited people. We do get involved in an occasional threesome, but honestly it doesnít happen very often. At the same time, Iíll admit that we are not very aggressive about making that happen. We enjoy threesomes, but we also enjoy many other types of sexual encounters.
I assume by ďparty sceneĒ you mean swingers parties. It may sound like itís easier to have a threesome in the party scene, but itís still very difficult to make it happen. There are very few single women who attend swing parties. Most of the women there came as a couple. The problem is that in order for you to have a threesome, she has to leave the guy she came to the party with. That basically leaves him as a single guy, which is a significant disadvantage at a swing party. In swinging, no one ever wants to be left out of the action. Sometimes guys like to be voyeurs and thatís ok as long as itís their option.
The few single women who do attend swing parties tend to be pretty independent. The reality is they can do almost anything they want to and they know it. Most seem to be more interested in an encounter with a single guy or just a girl / girl encounter. So you are still not going to find a lot of single women who want to share your husband.
One thing you will encounter at swing parties is couples who want the girls to play while the guys watch the show. This is especially common with new couples. If that is something you would find interesting, Iíd check out some swing clubs or propose that possibility in a personal ad.
I realize that I have not answered your question. Now that you realize how difficult it can be let me make a couple of suggestions. I would try singles bars in your area if that is a place you are comfortable. Both of you can be involved in the conversation, but I think it would be best if the sexual approach is handled by the women. Otherwise, it just looks like your husband is just trying to get laid or see his wife with another female. I think itís more effective if itís the womanís idea. I really think most women are bi-curious. If you just happen to be there at the right time and make the right approach who knows what might happen?
Finally why not give a personal ad a try? I would use a swing publication like Swinger Scoreboard or go on line to www. Playboard.com. The cost is free or minimal so there is no risk if it doesnít work. I would forget yahoo and msn club. Itís not worth the time write the ad. I would suggest you put some time and thought into your ad. Look at the ads you see for single females. They mostly say we want a beautiful girl with blonde hair and large breasts. Not many women think they look like that. Secondly, the ads donít include a picture. If you run an ad like that donít expect a lot of mail.
I hope that helps good luck.
I guess you've heard this a thousand times. How does one convince a spouse (wife) to consider the lifestyle? Is it just for young couples? I am 60 (last June) and my wife is 53. We are retired and well educated. This is mostly my fantasy, which I have never discussed with her. I can't seem to get the idea out of my head that I would like to join others with similar ideas and desires. Do you have any recommendations for me?
Letís first get into the easy part of your question and thatís about age. People of all ages enjoy and are very active in the Lifestyle. There are many people including myself in our 50ís and some in there 60ís who are very active in the Lifestyle. The Lifestyle is in no way age restrictive nor do certain age groups dominate it. If I had to guess I would say that most couples range in age from 30 to 50 with a few older and a few younger. The simple reason is that it takes most couples time to develop a relationship secure enough for an alternative
I have known many couples that place age restrictions on the type of people they want to meet. This weekend we were with a couple that would not seriously consider even socializing with anyone under 30. We have played with many couples in there 20ís to our mutual enjoyment. Personally I play with people who turn me on regardless of age. The most important factor for me is personality followed by personal appearance.
Getting on the question I get asked several times a week, how do I get my wife involved? I did notice that you said it was your fantasy that you had never discussed with her. In our society we seem to accept as fact that men are more interested in Sex than women. Most men think of women being more conservative when it comes to sexual behavior. The reality is that both of these notions are totally false.
If you want my advice, the first thing you need to do is change your attitude about women and sexuality. Iím saying that because if you did not feel that women were less interested in sex than men you would have discussed your fantasies with her?
To illustrate my point picture a street scene during Mardi Gras in New Orleans. What do you see? Iím sure for most people the image of girls flashing comes to mind. Many women love being exhibitionists. Look at the way women dress on the beach in the skimpiest most revealing bikiniís. Look at how men dress in those ugly coverall swimsuits. Next take a trip to your local adult bookstore. How many sex toys do you see that are produced for heterosexual males? How many for heterosexual females? I am in adult bookstores regularly delivering the magazines. I regularly see women buying several dildos. Women love sex especially if they are having orgasms!
Now that you are viewing women in a whole new light as sexual beings, you need to start communicating about sex. You would not believe the number of men and women who write just like you did and when I respond they tell me I just canít talk to my spouse about sex! Itís sad, the husband wants to enjoy variety in their sex life and the wife wants the same thing but they canít talk about it! As a result nothing happens!
How do you start the communication with your wife? That may bedifficult if at dinner you tell her you want to start having sex with your neighbor or that you want her to start having sex with strange men! You need to work in the conversation gradually. Start by talking about sex or maybe the girls flashing at Mardi Gras. Let her know that it turns you on, then watch how she reacts. We are all different and itís possible you are going down a dead end road and she has no interest in sex under any circumstances. You will know quickly enough if you watch her reactions. If she reacts positively then itís simple, keep talking about more sexual topics. Take a chance but give yourself an out if she does not react positive when you tell her you would love to see he with another man or woman.
Several times in this column I have suggest that you use a magazine like Swinger Scoreboard to bring up the discussion of swinging. Use any excuse that might fit like you found the magazine. A friend gave it to you, or maybe you just found it interesting. That way if she gets upset or says itís not for you, itís only a magazine not something you were suggesting.
Letís say that she expresses an interest in swinging. The very first thing you should do is to make her feel 100% secure that you are not looking for a replacement wife. That your interest in swinging is only about recreation and that you will only do it together.
I think the swinging lifestyle is wonderful. I hope that your wife is open to exploring the possibilities with you.
I was excited to see your column, as I have never had anyone I could ask for advice about sex. I have never had sex with anyone except for my husband. We have never gone to any swingers parties like the ones you describe.
We are taking a vacation to Cancun in the near future. My husband has been placing ads on line. He wants me to have a bisexual experience in Cancun. Iíll admit that I am curious about what it would be like to be with another woman, but I suspect he has more in mind than my having sex with another woman. He says he just wants to watch in the ads, but I think what he really wants is a threesome with another woman.
Iím just a little nervous about him setting me up and I really have no idea how to fulfill his fantasy.
Itís really difficult to give advice on something like this without knowing the people involved personally. There maybe many issues involved that I donít know about. I guess the first thing I would want to be sure of is that this is something both of you really want to do. In your letter it sounds like itís mostly his idea?
I would suggest that you have some long discussions about your mutual desires. Then I think you should come to some ground rules that you both agree to follow until you both agree to change them. If it were me, I would never change your rules while you are under the influence and in the heat of passion.
It probably wouldnít be a bad idea to deal with reality while you are talking about your fantasies. The chances of your finding a single girl to have a threesome with you in Cancun on the Internet is somewhere between slim and nada. Single women who are bisexual and sexually open have many options. They can get involved with single guys, single girls or couples. In my experience most single women are not willing to tie themselves to anyone in particular as that cuts off their future options.
I guess I should add that most people donít even look twice at the typical ad that says my wife is bi curious and I want to watch. Most people will read more problems into that kind of ad than they would ever want to deal with.
One of the things you should address in your frank discussion is jealousy. Iíve know several couples who only wanted to be involved with another woman. The real issue was that he could not handle the thought of seeing her with another man. However, when she got together with another woman, she experienced an orgasm that was obviously much more intense than the ones sheíd had with him. Unfortunately, he experienced uncontrollable jealousy because he thought she enjoyed the other woman more than she did his orgasms. I would suggest that you avoid involving a third party in your relationship if either of you has any kind of jealousy issues.
If you have all the issues on the table and the two of you agree, how do you make it happen? The easiest way is to find couple who are swingers. However, if you take this approach it likely means that youíll have to either be open to a four-some including the guys, or finding a couple who will agree to let the girls play while the guys watch. Most swingers are not interested in the wife having a threesome with the two of you while her husband hangs out at the bar downstairs. In general, swingers donít like being left out of the action. Since you are going to Cancun, I would suggest you pick up a day pass to the Caribbean Reef Club if you already have hotel reservations. If not, plan your vacation there as they do attract many lifestyle couples and it is clothing optional.
If you are set on a single girl and are willing to be very patient, I would suggest you try the bars and night clubs. That means that both you and your husband are going to have to flirt with her. Then at some point, Iím guessing youíll have to pop the question, ďwould you like to lick my pussy?Ē It is probably better that you are the one to approach rather than your husband. Frankly I canít give you a lot encouragement as it doesnít happen very often, but it does happen.
I hope all your fantasies are fulfilled.